How I am Learning to Let Go
This past week was hell. What happens when you begin to delve into opening problems you didn’t even know you had? Finally, why would you do this if you didn’t even know you had them? It all started on Sunday, on a positive note.
I have been in a very good spot for a while now, and last weekend I had some time alone. Alone time is crucial to me. It allots me the time I need to focus on myself. I was feeling positive enough to take a step and look inward. So, I completed a good yoga routine and settled in to meditation. My goal for this particular practice was to search myself for where I have had felt some insecurity recently. What I did not know was just how much I had to work on.
My ego was out of control. Now, much like pride in the seven deadly sins, ego does not just mean about feeling full of one’s self but also feeling a deep dislike for one’s self. I did not realize how much damage I had let go over the past few years. When I came out of this, I was a ball of insecurities. Dealing with this sensation of not feeling good enough, I found myself saying and doing things out of anger and not like me. I was feeling jealous about things I would not normally, and if I felt that way I would usually just speak up about it and move on.
I felt like I could not communicate, and when I tried, I spewed hate. It took my partner sitting down with me and remaining calm, after days of argument that I felt not so alone. I realized that it was fear of losing connections that made me lose my sight even further. I was scared, not angry. It took saying that clearly and out loud to someone else, which broke a barrier down. It was quite the perspective. Being able to step back in that way is like putting on a pair of glasses and now I can realize a full image clearly.
Re-finding connection, effective communication, and perspective are the things I need to dedicate in my practice. I have to let that negativity go and to never go so long without looking deeply inward again. So here I am on the following Sunday, having a most spectacular day in what feels like a time. I did not feel like I could repair as much so quickly. I’m not perfect, nor completed this journey by any means but I feel I’m moving in the right direction. If you are having trouble, I hope this helps! Thanks for all the love out there!